This is a story about one of my little vasanas. Vasanas are reactive habit patterns that lie in our subconscious and show up in our face to jog our awareness that it’s time to shift. It is easiest to do by just observing and loving that vasana.
My intention in my meditation was to open a gate in a fenced garden and go inside to greet healing energies: delightful flowers, fairies and earth divas. I envisioned a lovely fence with a gate and I flatly resisted opening it. I was shocked. I acquired a rash on a recent trip. I really wanted it healed, so why was I resisting. I realized I had that same fence around me, energetically; the one that says I can do it myself. I don’t need help. I am protecting myself doing so and I was disappointed in me. I thought I’d gotten rid of that energetic fence. I like me better when I’m not in that defensive mode. I wanted to go through the gate but I couldn’t open it. I’d run headlong into an old vasana.
I was aware of my hesitancy to open even my own front door at home if I don’t know who is there. Actually, I never do. I speak to them through the door asking “Who is it?” and then once I know who’s there, I either say “Thanks but I’m not interested.” or open the door and happily welcome someone in. I know it’s all about fear or control or the lack of control.
Then I wondered how it would have to look in my imagination for me to open that gate. I realized that when I open a front door, it always opens inward and I am required to step back. I am forced to step back! This single step causes me to lose my sense of being in charge by virtue of my ‘retreat’.
I tried envisioning different fences and gates that I could see thru, but it was the sense of having built a fence around myself for protection that was surprising to me. I realized it wasn’t a see through fence that I needed to imagine to allay my fears. It was simply my need to control my environment and I might not be in control because I just didn’t know what was on the other side of the gate.
I decided to try opening the gate in different ways to create a comfort level for myself. Remember all this is inside a meditation. I first created a door that opened outward. That would force the guest to step back and be ‘disempowered’ in their retreat. That felt satisfying. (good grief, I felt petty in this ridiculous little superiority!)
Then I thought How can I achieve balance, that point between, a compromise so both parties felt good? So I looked at how the door could be opened to accommodate those on both sides of the door and if it would be easier to open (and lose or release my need for safety). So I thought of those smaller louvered doors that were two half width doors, as in old French and European movies. You know, the kind you grab the knobs with both hands and fling open. Instead of flinging them out or pulling them in, I envisioned one of these half doors opening outward and one inward; hence inconveniencing both parties in that both had to step back. Well that didn’t seem gracious either.
So I envisioned a pocket door that slid into the side wall. That way no one was forced to step back. It felt better but I didn’t like the idea of a pocket door in my fence.
Then I realized this was all about my fears, ones I didn’t know I had and which were very simply presented. Here I was wanting a healing and I was stuck in a fenced-in place of my own making and arguing with my self induced fears about entering the place of healing!
I know you want a resolution to all this; to hear the happy ending, but there is none, yet. I came out of the meditation knowing I had to write about this because I’m not the only one dealing with this. So my gift to you is this experience. If you relate to it, write your own ending. Have your own awareness and be amazed by it. We are Creators. I know the ending I want and I shall go back into my sacred space, meditation or daydream place and rewrite a new ending. I shall intend to fling open the doors without fear, walk in joyfully and greet my healing energies.
By surrounding yourself with the highest possible vibration before doing this, you will definitely succeed. Be Love. That’s all. Bring up the memories of loving experiences and flood yourself with it. Then open that gate and enter that healing garden and your love will be reflected back to you. No hesitation will occur before opening the gate. Your intention to rise above your third dimensional fears using Love as the key will unlock the gates in the walls of your mind. On many levels you will be healed.
Ok. Happy ending. I went back and opened the gate. Very cool. Vasana satisfied.